nine years

i pull up my laptop onto the desk and fold my legs underneath me.  life has gotten busy, with an unexpected increase in work.  it’s good… keeps me engaged and interested.  i struggle to breathe, as my screen comes alive.  this cold has decidedly taken over half my face.  i miss having both sides of my face.  i miss breathing normally. dratted cold.

my email starts beeping in, a litany of reminders and asks. i reach for my mug and realize it still has the bitter dregs from yesterday’s tea.  i push it away, faintly hoping that a magic pixie will clean it for me.  and bring me a hot cup of tea as well.

a girl can dream, right?

i dream, still, of having you here, umma.  it’s been nine years.  nine.  i still remember vividly all that unfolded in those days preceding and proceeding today.  then, it felt like a bad tv show, one i couldn’t turn off.  as if every channel was playing the same show.  

it’s become easier over the years to chase those memories and tears with celebration.  celebrating all the beautiful things that you were, to me and to those around you. 

i still dream about what your words to me would be, one mother to another. one mother to a daughter.  i dream about the words and stories that you would have shared with my children. i dream about those eyes.  those crinkly eyes, dancing with the security of knowing that her life is secured and anchored in His grace.  eyes that dance with love for her family by extension.

i dream about sitting on a stool in the kitchen, watching your hands transform humble ingredients into chopsticks-scrape-the-plate good meals.  the conversations over a busy stove.

i miss you.  my children… i wish you could have met them.  i trust that you’re watching over them from your heavenly perch.  love, miss, and celebrate you.

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Trifecta

Laptop + iced chai + knitting = perfect work day.

20130830-163444.jpg

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emergency

so, let’s say that it’s late at night and you have to get ready for the next day – a day where you have to leave early to catch a train for an out of town work meeting. you blearily reach for your (decaf) coffee, strain your eyes at the laptop, and finish up the last touches to your presentation. you straighten up the house, get lunches packed, pick out clothes for the little ones. and also for you. on second thought, you don’t because you can’t think about what might possibly match with what.

you pack up your computer, notebooks, and other things. you look at your knitting WIP and reach for it. darn it. it’s a sweater and, really, not that practical to stuff into your already full purse. instead, you pack up your kindle. it’s been a while anyway and you need to spread the love, right?

next morning.

whoa! you have an entire extra hour before your train leaves, thanks to a last minute meeting time change. what do you do?

Wullenstudio

this. this is what you do. you look at your kindle apologetically… well, just a little. then, you figure out which combination of yarn shop and train station fits within the train schedule and you GO. once at the store, you run in, grab a sock yarn, wind it, buy some needles.

Emergency project

celebrate your success with some bonus car knitting. ah. now things feel right. choo choo away.

(yarn: wullenstudio’s sock yarn in “here comes the sun”)

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whoo, boy!

hello!  long time, no type.  there’s nothing like a blog that tells you quickly time passes.  well, that and the fact that i’m still working on bean’s quilt.  that was supposed to be done for his one year old birthday.

a year ago.

ahem.

anyhow, if i can get my act together, i should have some knitted goodness posted here soon.  in the meantime, i’ll leave you with these wonderfully (not at all wonderfully) shot photos from the ever-sophisticated iphone of a baby shower gift for my lovely cousin.

Sweater

Bonnet

some of my favorite things to knit: carina spencer’s seamless baby kimono and the totoro baby bonnet – um, without totoro.

Stitching

but!  a few embroidered flowers!  yay!  i wish i had close up photo of the button… it was so adorable.  love that little round thing of goodness.  not going to lie… i could have done a better job of sewing that button on, but i had to do it in the car right in front of the restaurant of the baby shower.  no minute like the last minute, right?  anyhow, all knit with universal cotton’s cotton supreme yarn.  for a cotton yarn, not bad.  i miss the elasticity of animal fiber though.  good thing i have yet another thing on the needles to remedy that…

oh right.  the quilt…  sigh.  so many projects and not enough time… isn’t that every maker’s quandary?

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birthday

today promised to start off ok.  i mean, bean woke up his normal happy self.  he padded around the bedroom, alternately giggling at things and pointing at them.  everything is a wonderment at this age.

then, the lil miss woke up.  somewhere in diva-land, something was amiss.  and she very audibly let us know.  damsel and dragon all in one.

we clambered downstairs, got dressed, and got lil miss ready for school.  i left bean with his breakfast and wonderful nanny.

somewhere along the way, my sweet little girl returned from wherever she was hiding.

came back and saw bean covered in hives.  again.  he had this yesterday and thought i figured out the culprit.  nope.  it’s something else. not sure what though as nothing new was introduced to him.  my mommy’s blood pressure went up, thinking about how vulnerable these children of mine are apparently to food (lil miss has a tree nut allergy).

and then there is today.  today is umma’s birthday.  she somehow mothered myself and my brothers – four of us – without giving any of us away.  i mean, this morning, it wore on me to think about what could be causing the hives, wondering if this bout was going to be more severe than yesterday’s, thinking of lil miss’ tree nut allergy, and how it freaks me out that she needs to have prescribed a literally life saving medication, and maybe bean does too and blah blah blah… i only have these two to worry about and my mother had four.  how her hair didn’t all fall out is beyond me.

umma, you are so unbelievably missed. i miss watching you crochet, listening to you teach me to knit, watching you sew, talking with you while you cooked, talking with you in general.  seeing your smiles, hearing your words, hearing your prayers. going to get pedicures. holding your hand.  watching your eyes crinkle in thought and in happiness.  happy, happy birthday.

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kitchen sink

have you ever dumped out your purse before?  i have one purse that i use.  it’s a massive bag, really.  it’s designed to hold a dslr camera and a laptop.  it’s my go-to bag for when i go to work as it holds my laptop and 2 notebooks.  and coffee mug.  and…

1) 15 small quilting templates

2) crochet hook

3) my brother’s socks – i don’t even understand how this came to be, ESTEBAN

4) halfway knitted scarf (so, scarf, needles, and yarn)

5) computer cord

6) bracelet – note: i don’t wear bracelets.  i mean, there’s one i wear rarely. but this one? not even sure where it’s from.

7) napkins

8) fingerless gloves

9) umpteen million receipts, papers, etc.  basically, small rectangular pieces of paper.

10) bobbin with thread

11) starbucks gift card – whoa!  wait!  this is an awesome find. if whoever is responsible for putting in socks and bracelets in bag did the card, you may keep it up.

12) lip gloss sample.  i don’t wear make up.  unless i’m in a wedding.

13) hand sanitizer

14) 8 pens

15) headphones

16) wallet

17) empty eyeglass case

18) knitting gauge

19) waste yarn

20) quilting and embroidery needles

um.  does anyone else have this problem of miscellany?

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move along

we open the door to start our little journey, our weekday ritual of walking to her little school.  stepping out into the moving mist, we make our colorful entrance on the gray landscape.  and it is wholly gray.  no shadows, no light.  all gray.  the sky, the damp sidewalk, the branches of bare trees.  i look down at her and adjust her purple hood, pulling it in close around her warm, rosy face.

star

we chit chat about things she might do at school today, dodging the piles of dog poop that thoughtful owners have left behind.  she turns to me and asks if i love her.  of course, my darling girl.  of course.  with a smile, she buries her hand deeper into mine.  the warmth of her hand in mine is my spot of sunshine.

before we know it, we are greeted by a teacher at the entrance to her school.  i walk inside with her, drinking in the primary colors and the harmony of the classrooms.  i unzip her coat.  she wriggles out, gives me some sugar on my cheek, and scampers to play and work alongside her friends.

i watch for a little bit, a voyeur into this part of her life that is away from me.  i look at the clock.  only 6 more hours till i get to pick her up.  oh dear.  the other one needs his medicine.  i must get back.

back into the cold i step.  i walk back, alone.  it’s a peaceful loneliness, one of the few stretches of my day where i have my thoughts to myself.  no one has claim to this time, not clients, not children, not the daily tasks clamoring for attention.  no, this is my time.  fighting the chill, i try to shrink myself into my red jacket, the one my mother used to wear.  the one my daughter has asked for when she becomes a mother.  happy thoughts.

a searing cold makes itself known on my scalp.  ah.  my unbrushed hair has given up its last defenses to this damp.  so be it. i dig my fists deeper into my pockets, willing warmth up to my head.  it doesn’t quite work.

tea
i walk back into my home to the noise of happy chatter.  bean is happily playing with our wonderful nanny.  i look at him, at his happy, chubby self, making raspy choo choo noises with his christmas trains.  he expands my sunshine today, too.

rather than spoil this moment just yet with medicine (oh! the travails of ear infections!), i turn on my kettle.  make some brioche toast.  expand the sunshine of my daughter’s hand and my son’s voice.

breakfast

hello, gray. i’m ready.

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