five years. it’s already been five years. it occurs to me that there will come a time when you will not have been here with me longer than you were. or are – i believe you are still alive, though alive in a very different way.
there was a time where i was afraid, very afraid, that i might somehow forget how you were, before things spiraled downward. i would try hard to conjure up memories of healthy laughter, your eyes sparkling with merriment, and words and prayers of wisdom.
more often than not, memories of your last days would flood my mental landscape. my heart would ache and so i pushed those memories under the comfort of knowing that you have perfect, eternal, unfettered healing at last.
but, i find that my heart aches again. as i live my life as a mother (i still can’t believe it: a mother! me! what the!), i miss your companionship. more than ever, i miss your gentle and sage counsel.
i miss you. and i now know what longing means.
which all means i have some questions for Him. still. questions that are blanketed by grace in the meantime.
you are intrinsic to me. and as lil miss grows older, my prayer is that she and i will have the same relationship as we did, though at times i feel overwhelmingly undeserving and inept as i hold myself up to your specter.
thank you, Lord, for your sufficiency.
happy five years into eternity.
Proverbs 31:10-31 (New International Version)
10 [a] A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.
16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.